It’s important to be suspicious of surveys and always check who commissioned them (people who eat three bags of crisps a day are happier than those who eat an apple….claims a new Walkers survey).
But still, a new report saying ‘almost two in three women over 50 in the UK struggle with their mental health’ knocked me for six.
The survey, from the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP), which represents therapists, blamed a whole range of midlife challenges: menopause, relationship breakdowns, physical changes, brain fog, parents dying, children leaving home and financial pressures. All of which – the women say – lead to sleep problems, feeling anxious or overwhelmed, and a loss of zest for life.
Reasons to be silent
So far so sobering but the even worse news from those who responded to the survey is this: ‘almost nine out of 10 of those affected seek no help to cope’. And not just ‘not asking for help’ but actively trying to hide the fact that they are struggling.
Asked why, the women said they:
- didn’t want to burden people
- felt they needed to hold it together for others
- feared other people wouldn’t understand, and
- believed in keeping ‘a stiff upper lip’.
Being kind to ourselves helps everyone
I can’t help but think of the second Living Softly principle Be Kind – to ourselves and to others, when this survey seems to show the exact opposite happening.
In a bid not to burden others we not only harm ourselves but may also be encouraging them to ‘put up and shut up’. If two out of three midlife women are struggling then we really are all in this together. And all our silence serves to do is keep others silent – perhaps fearing they are the only ones who haven’t got it together.
When we speak honestly about our lives we give others permission to do the same, and experience the utter relief of making real and deep connections, discovering other people do indeed understand, and we’re not as alone as we believed. And crucially, nor are they.
Reach out and I’ll be there
One of the best moments in running Heal Your Life workshops is watching people’s shoulders drop several inches when they realise no-one really has it together. They arrive thinking they are the only ones struggling… until a little sharing reveals everyone in the room is scared, imperfect, vulnerable and convinced they are not good enough.
Everyone in the room is also kind, compassionate, wise, talented and human, doing their best and only too willing to support each other and be supported. And there’s real magic in where that level of honesty leads – to a softening of faces, of attitudes and of hearts.
Could we learn to do the same in daily live too, with friends, perhaps a carefully chosen family member or colleague, or maybe a local group, community nor professional?
Could we teach that silent stiff-lipped majority that it’s good to ask for help by having the courage to do so ourselves?
A few questions for you…
I realise this has been a very straight-faced post but – seriously – two in three women! (Plus the throwaway at the end of the article quoting a second survey, this time showing 47% of UK mothers surveyed suffering from mental health challenges such as depression and burnout.)
Right now, let me just invite you to take a deep breath, pause for a moment and ask yourself:
- When was the last time you actually asked for help (could be anything from doing the school run to hearing you vent or fetching the tissues)?
- When was the last time you accepted help when it was offered (as opposed to shrugging it off with an ‘I’m ok thanks because you didn’t want to be a nuisance)?
- What stops you from asking for help when you’re struggling?
- And are those fears or beliefs really true?
